How to Succeed in War Without Really Trying
by ReiAkari Anthy
Summary: Gundam Wing + campy musical= complete insanity!! Now in a convient chapter-ized version!
1. How to Succeed Intro

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gundam Wing, nor do I own "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying".This is the companion piece to "A Mobile Suit is Not A Toy" by ReiAkari, which is a part of our musical "How to Succeed in War Without Really Trying"

# How to Succeed

By

[Anthy][1]

(Lights come up and we see our hero. . . uh, Heero, sitting in a chair and typing in his laptop.Duo and Quatre walk by; Duo is carrying a basketball.)__

**Duo: **(to Quatre)Sometimes, I wonder what is so dang interesting about that computer!You know he never lets me use it.

(Intro music starts as the two boys nod and leave Heero by himself.Heero looks up, and seeing he is alone begins to sing.)

**Heero**:(in complete monotone) 

How to die for a job

How to break into a mailroom

How to give a death threat

How to stealmemorandums

How to develop a killing style

How to commute, in a mobile suit

With that eerie emotionless smile

(points to laptop) 

This book is all that I need

How to, how to succeed

(opens and continues while typing)

How to kill personnel

How to select who to kill first

How to avoid making friends

How to resist human contact

How to walk into a computer room

With a bomb

Highly volatile bomb

That will make the OZ base go ka-boom

(closes laptop)

This book is all that I need,

How to, how to succeed

## (Walks out of the room, lights dim along with the music)

_ _

### OWARI

   [1]: mailto:animegurl_1@yahoo.com?subject=How%20to%20Succeed



	2. A Mobile Suit is Not a Toy

**A Mobile Suit is Not A Toy**   
by [Rei Akari][1]

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gundam Wing, or the characters from the show. I also do not own rights to the musical, "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying" which I am heavily borrowing from. 

**Author's Note**: This is a parody of one of the songs from the musical "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying." If you are not familiar with the musical, some of the humor might not seem too funny, and the lyrics of the song will seem odd to sing along to. But trust me, if you sing the lyrics I wrote to the soundtrack (which I did while writing) it is freaking hilarious. Well, here's my take on "A Secretary is not a Toy." 

**"A Mobile Suit is Not A Toy"**: From the hit Broadway Musical "How to Succeed in War Without Really Trying"

SETTING: Gundam Hangar 

The Gundam pilots are preparing to go on a mission when all of a sudden, Heero stands and clears his throat 

*Music Intro* 

**Heero**: Gentlemen! _(he is ignored)_ Gentlemen! _(the others stop what they are doing to stare, and Heero begins to sing along to the music, void any emotion)_  
A mobile suit is not a toy. No, my boy,   
not a toy   
To throttle and mishandle . . . and playfully manhandle  
In search of purile joy . . . NO!   
A mobile suit is not  
Definately not! A toy. 

**Trowa**: _(walks to his Gundam)_ You are absolutely right, Mr. Yuy 

**Duo**: _(yawns and stretches)_ We wouldn't have it any other way, Mr. Yuy 

**Quatre**: _(heads towards his Gundam, following Trowa)_ It's Peacemillion's rules, Mr. Yuy 

**Wufei**: _(during the intrumental break, stands angrily in front of Nataku)_ INJUSTICE! 

**Duo**: _(mocking Heero)_ A mobile suit is not a toy. No, my boy, not a toy. 

**Wufei**: _(Duo looks at Wufei, there is a brief musical break. Unhappy about having to sing, Wufei spits out the lyrics)_ SO, DO NOT GO JUMPING FOR JOY! BOY! A MOBILE SUIT IS NOT. . . A TOY! 

*Brief Instrumental* **Relena**: _(appears out of nowhere, stands by Heero)_ A mobile suit is not to be used as "play therapy." 

**Wufei**: _(still angry)_ BE GOOD TO THE GUNDAM YOU EMPLOY, BOY! 

**Quatre**: Remember no matter what,   
you have the trouble you got.   
A mobile suit is not. . . a toy. 

**Trowa**: _(on beat with no feeling whatsoever)_ It's a highly specialized component of operational unity.  
A fine and sensitive mechanism to serve the united colonies. 

*Instrumental break, during which they stare at Trowa* 

**Quatre**: _(with gusto, admiring his Gundam)_ With the mother load they support . . . _(pause)_  
and you can't even buy them at FAO Schwartz! 

**Relena**: _(waving finger)_ A mobile suit is not pet   
or a destruction set.  
*Short Break*  
It happened to Zechs Marquise, boy!  
They _(points at G-boys)_ fired him like a shot  
The day the fellow forgot  
a mobile suit is not a toy. 

**Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, Duo**: _(in a odd sounding barber shop quartet)_ And when you put them to use...  
Observe when you put them tooooo uuuuse. 

**Duo**: _(breaking from the quartet)_ And fly and destroy and really let loose! 

**Heero**: _(on beat and on key, but with no feeling to Duo)_ A mobile suit is NOT a thing to turn the key and destroy every thing! 

**Trowa**: _(a hint of annoyance at Duo. . . not much, but it's a little bit of emotion)_ A cockpit is to ride in, not to spend the night in, 

**Quatre**: If that is what you plan to enjoy. . . _(Duo nods enthusiastically)_

**All**: _(directed at a SD Duo)_ NO! 

**Heero**: The mobile suit that you got,  
Is definately NOT  
OR, you-know-what _(Alternate lyric: **OR, "I'll kill you"**)_  
Before you jump for joy  
remember this my boy  
A mobile suit is not  
A mobile suit is not a . . . tinker toy! 

*During ending music the pilots all jump into their Gundams and rush into battle* 

**OWARI**

**Author's note**: If you like this, just wait 'till I write the parodies to the rest of the musical with my sister! I also must give credit to [Anthy][2] for helping me with this project

   [1]: mailto:reiakari@yahoo.com
   [2]: mailto:animegurl_1@yahoo.com



	3. It's Been a Long Day

**Disclaimer**: Attention all readers! I repeat,I do not own Gundam Wing, nor do I own "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying".This is the companion piece to "A Mobile Suit is Not A Toy" by ReiAkari, which is a part of our musical "How to Succeed in War Without Really Trying"

**Author's Note**:There is slight Relena-bashing present in this song, so apologizes are sent to all who may be offended.

# It's Been a Long Day

By

[Anthy][1]

** **

(Lights come up on a bare stage, Heero, Relena and Duo are all standing in a line.Duo continuously looks at his watch, at Heero and Relena, back at the watch and then to the audience.Music starts as he begins to sing.)

** **

**Duo**: Well, here it is 5 p.m.

The finish of a long day's work

And there they are both of them

The princess and the jerk

Not very well acquainted

Not very much to say

But I can hear those two little minds

Ticking away

Now she's thinking . . .

**Relena**: I wonder if we take the same bus

**Duo**: And he's thinking

**Heero**:I wish there was more space between us

**Duo**: Now she's thinking

**Relena**:He really is a dear

**Duo**: And he's thinking

**Heero**: Should I kill her here?

**Duo**: Then she says

**Relena**: Heero?

**Duo**: He says…

**Heero**: Hn…well it's been a long day

**All**: Well it's been a long, been a long, been a long, been a long day

**Duo**: Now she's thinking

**Relena**:I wish he was more of a flirt

**Duo**: And he's thinking

**Heero**: (pulls out gun) I guess shooting her won't hurt

**Duo**: Now she's thinking

**Relena**:For dinner we could meet

**Duo**:And he's thinking

**Heero**: (puts gun in back pocket) A knife is more discreet

**Duo**: And she says

**Relena**: Ach-oo

**Duo**: He says…

**Heero**: [glare] . . . 

**Relena**: Excuse me

**Heero**:(shrugs) Well it's been a long day

**All**: Well it's been a long, been a long, been a long, been a long day

** **

**Duo**: Hey! (jumps between them and slings arm around their shoulders) There's a yummy Friday special at Stouffer's, it's a $ 1.90 vegetable plate

And at the bottom of the add….not bad

Service for two, $ 3.58—to make a bargain, (pushes Heero towards Relena) 

make a date

**Relena**: Wonderful

**Heero**: (backs off, glares at Duo) My fate.

**Duo**: Now she's thinking

**Relena**: What female trap could I spring

**Duo**: And he's thinking

**Heero**: (realizes Duo pick pocketed his gun) I might as well forget the whole thing

**Duo**:Now she's thinking

**Relena**:Suppose I take his arm

**Duo**: And he's thinking

**Heero**:I guess I won't do her harm

**Duo**:Then she says…

**Relena**: Hungry?

**Duo**:And he says…

**Heero**: (pulling on Duo's braid) Yeah

**Relena**: (confused) Yeah?

**Duo**: (winces) Yeah.

**All**: Well it's been a long day 

(they sing offstage, Heero dragging Duo off by his braid, Relena following close behind)

Well it's been a long, been a long, been a long, been a long day

# OWARI

   [1]: mailto:animegurl_1@yahoo.com?subject=How%20to%20Succeed



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